PowerWash Simulator is great. Simulator games often are, I’ve gotten lost down the rabbit holes of lawnmowing, construction working, and Euro trucking rabbit holes before, and I dread to think what a sorry state my social life would be in if I downloaded PC Building Simulator or got into Farming Simulator esports. Yes, that’s a thing, and it’s just as exciting as CS:GO or League.
Perhaps I’ve been affected by TheGamer’s Evergreen Content Lead Amanda Hurych’s constant PowerWash propaganda, but it’s the latest sim to capture my brain in a vice-like grip and spray bursts of cleansing water deep into the crevasses of my frontal lobe. Why is it so good? Some of it comes from the natural attraction of simulator games; they’re chilled, calming affairs that get surprisingly compelling as you get into the roleplay. Another aspect is that I find power washing satisfying in real life – watching streaks of dirt peel off patio floors and wooden fences is great. But PowerWash also does a few things differently.
The most important change that PowerWash Simulator made to the established simulator genre is its DLC. PowerWash has deals with multiple licensed gaming series, so you can buy extra levels cleaning Lara Croft’s manor or Final Fantasy 7’s Scorpion Sentinel. I haven’t played a Tomb Raider game since I was at a birthday party for a kid I didn’t like in primary school and the Italian restaurant we were at had a couple of PS2 machines in the back, and yet wiping the dirt away from Croft Manor’s walls brought nostalgia streaming back faster than the water I was spraying.
I feel similarly about Final Fantasy 7. I liked the remake well enough, but I wasn’t shocked by Sephiroth’s role as much as those who played the original. Washing the locations and vehicles of Midgar was great fun, but imagine if the next DLC was set in a world I cared about?
As much as I love Pokemon and have recently become obsessed with The Witcher, the perfect subject for the third DLC is the Warhammer universe. Warhammer 40,000 is a world caked in grime – I even praised Darktide for nailing that aspect so well – and it would be immensely satisfying to strip that off, layer by layer.
We could start with a Land Raider, perhaps. It’s an imposing, iconic vehicle with a good mixture of large, flat surfaces and intricate weapon emplacements, perfect for kicking off your career in the Emperor’s cleanatorium. From there, you could graduate to an Eldar Craftworld interior, or struggle to clear up the mess of an Ork Rok. There’s such a variety of cultures in this universe that the levels would never get boring, as each one would be texturally and aesthetically distinct.
The final level – you can tell I’ve thought about this – would be cleaning the Emperor’s golden throne. For those of you with no knowledge of Warhammer lore, that’s not a fancy toilet, it’s a gigantic life support system that sustains his decaying body so his mind can keep the horrors of the Warp at bay. The Imperium’s almighty has been sitting on this throne for millennia, so it must need a clean by now.
The DLC would probably stop short of asking you to wash the entirety of the continent-sized room that he sits in, but if you’re into the roleplaying side of things, you can pretend to be the head Servitor, graced with the opportunity to don your Marigolds and polish the most prestigious chair in the universe.
Warhammer has become more generous with its IP in recent years, allowing small developers chances to make mobile titles, and interesting authors to pen horror stories or tales of how the most famous Ork Warlord in the game’s history has a history of depression. We’re in a new era of Warhammer stories, and games are a big part of that. Let me have PowerWash DLC where you wash the Imperium’s tanks.