There have been no great films based on video games. There have been no good films based on video games. Heck, there’s barely been any average films based on video games. Super Mario Brothers was mind-snappingly awful, Street Fighter laughed maniacally over its video game franchise, Max Payne made me want to cry tears of pain, and Assassin’s Creed, despite the hype, ended up being so dull that it made watching paint dry a compelling experience. Then there was Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Based on the iconic video game series that changed the landscape of gaming culture and its presence in society, Tomb Raider was a smash hit. Despite being utterly rubbish.

Books make for great films. Both mediums have a linear narrative that compliment one another. Video games are primarily interactive experiences, with the stories the gamer experiences often differing greatly from player to player. They also usually have narratives that run into the tens of hours in length. Neither of these factors suit a film. That didn’t stop the powers that be from creating a sequel for Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. That one was even worse and managed to extinguish the film franchise in the process, the third film never seeing the light of day.

Still, with a re-boot of Tomb Raider out this year, I thought it high time to return to the originals. I wish I hadn’t. Though, through my cinematic suffering, I have brought you this list, of 20 crazy things that you didn’t know about the dreadful Tomb Raider films.

20 A Terrible Shot

via: weheartit.com

During her many video game escapades around the world, Lara’s dual pistols have seen off a country worth of people and many exotic and rare animals as well. It's safe to say that, through the guiding thumbs of the player, she is an excellent shot. It’s rather odd, then, that her cinematic sister does not share her weapon totting abilities.

In Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Lara uses hundreds of rounds of ammunition. Usually whilst performing the sorts of leaps, dives, and rolls expected of an action hero. It’s a shame then that she never actually manages to hit anyone in the 100-minute run time. In fact, the only time she wounds anyone is when she bounces the butt of her pistol off a henchman.

19 Extra Padding

https://suwalls.com/games/lara-croft-tomb-raider-20273/

Lara Croft has a very specific look that the film makers felt it was vital for Angelina Jolie to emulate. In the more recent Tomb Raider games, her stand-out features have been reduced. But back in 2001 they were certainly proud and prominent.

So, to better emulate the 36DD heroine, Angelina Jolie had to have her bra padded. Angelina is naturally a 36C, but was padded to 36D. Even though the game version had a larger bra size than this, it was felt that any more padding would be too unrealistic and might cause Angelina to fall over, at the very least.

Jolie herself commented, “We didn’t want to make them as big as in the game, but at the same time we didn’t want to take away from her the things that are, you know, her trademarks.”

18 In Need Of A Test

via: blogspot.com

At the time of the filming of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Angelina Jolie was a very controversial celebrity. There was a great deal of discussion around her relationship with then-husband Billy Bob Thornton, no doubt some of it around her insistence of wearing a vial of his blood around her neck. There were also reports, detailed in the book Leading Lady, that, according to her father, the young actor was "fragile."

So, there was some resistance to casting her as Lara Croft. Particularly as to whether she would be able to handle the intense filming schedule of a big production action film. In an effort to ease their concerns around substance misuse, Jolie proposed that she would taking regular tests for the use of psychedelics. Jolie had to undergo multiple random examinations during filming and passed every single time.

17 Pointless Plotting

https://www.cancan.ro/angelina-jolie-e-deja-istorie-vezi-cine-i-a-luat-locul-in-noul-film-tomb-raider-15441034

Lara’s mission in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is to destroy an ancient McGuffin (this time a magical triangle) before the evil Illuminati can harness its power for nefarious reasons. Now, this can only occur when the planets of our solar system are in a specific alignment, which only happens once every 5000 years and lasts for a mere week. Bearing this plot in mind it’s rather strange that, upon finding one half of the triangle in the first tomb, Lara continues with her quest to find the other half. Thus, giving the Illuminati the opportunity to combine the pieces. Instead, all Lara would have to do is destroy the first half she finds to save the world. Without it, the Illuminati cannot possibly complete their evil machinations.

16 Not Allowed In This Country

via: austria-forum.org

Despite only carrying a 12A rating, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life was banned in China. This wasn’t due to the scantily clad protagonist. Instead, it was down to the fact that "it damaged China's reputation, giving the impression of a country in chaos, with no government, and overrun by secret societies." The Unidentified Chinese official went into even more detail in an interview with the BBC, saying “After watching the movie, I feel that the westerners have made their presentation of China with malicious intention, the movie does not understand Chinese culture. It does not understand China’s security situation. In China there cannot be secret societies.”

This certainly didn’t help with The Cradle of Life’s box office, with it only managing a worldwide gross of $156,505,388.

15 World’s Worst Archaeologist

https://keithbyrne.deviantart.com/art/Tomb-Raider-III-20-Years-of-Tomb-Raider-642002040

At the start of The Cradle of Life, Lara is discussing the discovery of the Temple of Luna with some men on a boat. The temple of Luna, according to Lara, was built by Alexander the Great to house his most important artefacts (or just the ones that wouldn’t fit in the Library of Alexandria), until it was swallowed by the sea in 330 BC. It’s at this point that Lara, who has been exploring tombs and temples for most of her life, informs the audience that "even if half the temple is intact, it would be the greatest find since the discovery of the Pyramids." The thing is, the Pyramids were never lost, on account that they are extremely big (the Great Pyramid was the tallest man-made structure for 3800 years) and have been a wonder of the world since their creation.

14 Dolls For Grown-Ups

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/493284965412934006/

In 2001, a line of Lara Croft dolls (modelled on star Angelina Jolie) were released to tie in with the movie. According to industry analysts speaking in the Ocala StarBanner, Lara Croft action figures held little appeal for boys as "it’s a tough sell to get little boys to play with a girl doll – even one with two hip-clinging handguns." The toys aren’t of interest for girls either as "the clothes are detailed, but the head and hair are just plastic." So instead, the toys were aimed at young adults and collectors. Rather than being something to play with, the “curvaceous” dolls were meant to be treasured by only the owner’s eyes and from a safe distance. There were five different Laras to collect, one of which had an aqua green bra painted on underneath her combat gear.

13 Count Your Blessings

https://www.destructoid.com/why-street-fighter-the-movie-is-a-cinematic-masterpiece-129024.phtml

Imagine this: the first film could have been a lot worse. Which I know takes a great deal of imagining, seeing as it only has a 33 rating on Metacritic. But it really could have ended up so much more nightmarish. Whilst in pre-production, writer Brent V. Friedman, the co-writer of the near legendarily awful Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, submitted a script for the film, as did Steven E. de Souza, the writer and director of the ghastly Street Fighter movie. They carry a 3.7 and a 3.8 user rating on IMDB respectively. So, when you do the maths of 33 divided by 3.7 and multiplied by 3.8, it equals probably the worst film of all time. Nah, what am I talking about? Super Mario Bros still exists.

12 Cheap As Chips

https://simplyshawn.deviantart.com/art/Shh-WIP-413566475

The first film only cost a minuscule $7 million to make. Which for a big budget film is very, very extremely cheap. How on earth did Paramount achieve this? Well, it’s complicated. But the simple version is: Paramount achieved this by utilizing German Tax Laws to sell the film to a group of investors. These investors paid $94 million for it before Paramount bought it back at $83.8 million in lease and option payments. The money earned from these shenanigans paid for the cast’s wages. Then there was the benefit achieved by a combo of UK filming tax breaks and a series of more complicated sales and leaseback deals, all of which saw further savings. It worked out so well that Paramount did it all again for the sequel.

11 Never Say Never Again Never

via: classicbond.com

Daniel Craig appeared in the first Tomb Raider as Alex West. Fun bonus fact: the character’s original name was Alex Mars. However, the name hadn’t been cleared in time by the legal department. The director Simon West decided to change the name to Alex West, after his father, knowing that if he had to he’d be able to get legal clearance for the name. Anyway, Daniel Craig was not interested in returning to the 2003 Tomb Raider sequel. He explained that “There are only so many ways you can look surprised at stuff blowing up.” Clearly, he’d stopped bothering to even try when filming the dire Bond outing Spectre. He pretty much sleepwalked through that entire movie and only managed three different expressions, none of which were 'surprise.'

10 This Is Tomb Raider!

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In order to impress at his audition, Gerard Butler did all the press-ups he could muster to look as pumped up as possible for his perspective action outing. It’s a solid plan. Prior to shirtless scenes, most male celebrities favour the ‘don’t drink any water for 24 hours and work out as much as possible before filming’ approach. So, if you find yourself looking with unbridled envy at the muscular definition of some Hollywood hunk, then don’t worry, 99.9% of the time he doesn’t look like that. Things didn’t work out so well for Butler though. Upon turning up to read for the part, he was asked by the director to jump up to the bar to show his athleticism. Unfortunately, his now weary limbs could no longer achieve this simple feat, and so the bar remained out of his reach.

9 Just Like Indiana Jones

https://yautjahuntres.deviantart.com/art/Lara-croft-in-Kaa-s-coils-396755981

In Lara Croft: Tomb Raider there is a specific scene which had to be re-shot an endless amount of times. Though, please note, ‘endless amount of times’ is just a turn of phrase. If it were actually endless, then the movie would still be in production and you wouldn’t be reading this list. The scene in question is where Lara drives her jeep through the jungle. The problem was that the jeep was open-roofed and snakes, spiders, and other wildlife kept on falling through and landing in Angelina Jolie’s lap. Jolie was clearly, and appropriately in my opinion, freaked out by this. But ultimately, she completed the shot. Considering that the game developers' inspiration for Lara was Indiana Jones, then it’s appropriate that they’re both scared of snakes.

8 Game Gadgets

www.tombraidercollection.com/single-post/2014/11/15/New-Lara-Croft-and-the-Guardian-Of-Light-conceptarts-used-early-in-the-project

Film Lara was given several gadgets which helped explain away several of the peculiarities of video game Lara. In the original Tomb Raider, Lara reloads her gun through plucking a never-ending supply of infinite invisible ammo from the air around her. She also plucks all sorts of archaeological paraphernalia from her backpack, without ever actually putting her hands inside the bag. These peculiarities were mostly imposed by the limited processing power of 90s games and the finite amount of animations that Lara could have. Regardless, the brains behind the film decided to explain them away in the movie. To this end Lara has a special re-loader belt that allows Lara to reload her guns very quickly, with no fiddling required. She also has a magic Mary Poppins-like bottomless backpack that can store any item that Lara moves close to it, without even needing to open the bag.

7 Buy The Soundtrack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0AaFaultDo

In Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, the music played while the gang visit the Siberian village, and then again whilst they are on the sleds, is Tuvan throat singing. What is Tuvan throat singing I hear you say? Well, I’m glad you asked! Originating from Mongolia, this vocal practise involves the singer creating a fundamental pitch. Others then produce a contrasting pitch. This pitch is then altered by tempo, pitch, pulsing and other techniques to mimic natural noises. The idea is that the sound can resemble that of wind swirling between rocks, twittering of birds, the gentle breezes of summer, the rhythm of horseback riding or the chirping of crickets. All of this means that the Tomb Raider soundtrack is an absolute must-buy.

6 Lot Of Laras

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Angelina Jolie was not the studio’s first choice to be Lara Croft. No, there were several other women who had their bells rung but declined to open their doors. Denise Richards, Charlize Theron, Uma Thurman, and Liv Tyler turned down the role. Though interestingly, they’ve since gone on to take the roles of iconic female action heroes that, in a cinematic sense, put Lara in the shade. Thurman, of course took on the role of The Bride in Tarantino’s Kill Bill. Who can forget her carving through the Crazy 88 clad in Bruce Lee’s tracksuit? Then there’s Liv, who sent pulses racing as the beautiful Arwen. Charlize went on to star in the best action film of the last decade, Mad Max: Fury Road, and went full The Raid in Atomic Blonde. Then there’s Denise who… erm… played the world’s most unlikely research scientist in The World Is Not Enough.

5 Real-Life Hero

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/3223073/posts?page=22

When visiting Cambodia to shoot the first film, Angelina Jolie became aware of the countries enormous issues with land mines. Since 1970 there were booby-traps and anti-personnel mines distributed across the country. They were still going off 30 years later. Angelina Jolie later returned with the UN refugee agency UNHCR and visited mine clearance projects. She started giving large sums of money to the agency and became its goodwill ambassador. Since then she has gone on to become one of the world’s most famous humanitarians. In an interview with The Guardian she revealed her inspiration for her work. "Wherever I was working, you would see people with missing limbs. It was more shocking than anything I had ever seen and I soon became all too familiar with what agony and suffering land mines were causing."

4 Bungee Ballet Breakage

via: digitalspy.com

Angelina Jolie dedicated herself to doing all her own stunt work. During the six-month preparation for the film, Jolie was trained in yoga, kickboxing and the handling of a variety of weapons. The stand out result of her concerted effort are the bungee ballet stunts she performed during the filming of the manor defence sequence. During the scene, Jolie bounds around on a pair of ginormous bungee cords and strikes some SWAT team wannabes in their delicate bits. However, the shooting of the scene didn’t go exactly as planned. Whilst attempting to land on the chandelier, Jolie injured her ankle, preventing the scene from being completed. The shooting of the film continued, but the bungee ballet sequence had to be filmed later in production once she’d recovered.

3 Logan Croft

https://eilaire.deviantart.com/art/Lara-Croft-Tomb-Raider-Anniversary-Medipack-346034704

Just like in the video games, film Lara can regain health without suffering any long term ill effects. All that is required is time. Or the simple application of a handily placed medipack. Either way, she can avoid any hospital time and look just as attractive as before she was mauled by a tiger, fell down a ravine or was perforated by a wooden spike trap. So where does this mutant healing factor pop up in the films? Well, in Cradle of Life Lara's face is pushed down onto broken glass by the henchman, causing her to bleed. When she eventually manages to pop back up there are no marks, scratches, or blood on her face at all. Her super healing powers make Wolverine’s look unimpressive in comparison.

2 Wear More Clothes

http://lara-online.blogspot.co.uk/2009/05/angelina-jolie-scans-lara-croft.html

In the first film, Angelina Jolie wore the iconic micro pants and vest top of Lara Croft. There was a great deal of discussion that occurred around the inclusion of the iconic shorts in the film. Jolie really wasn't keen on wearing them, particularly whilst shooting action scenes, but eventually placated as she knew it would keep the fans happy. So, after all that, it's odd that she ended up wearing more clothes in the sequel. This wasn't due to Jolie getting cold legs over having to wear the shorts again. Instead, it was due to issues of covering up the actor’s tattoos. There were several scenes in Tomb Raider, including the shower scene, in which the make-up covering Jolie’s tattoos had faded and they could clearly be seen.

1 Don’t Watch This One With Your Parents

http://whatculture.com/gaming/8-fantastic-fourth-wall-breaks-that-blew-gamers-minds?page=4

Speaking of the shower scene, it was toned down to get a PG-13 release. The gratuitous and unnecessarily long sequence was, at one point, going to be more. There were plans for Lara to reveal all, but this idea was dropped to get the family rating and a much larger gross at the box office. Instead the scene was carefully shot, like a shampoo commercial, to make the audience think they’d seen a lot more than they had, when in reality it was all rather tame. Though if you go back and watch the scene again, you’ll notice that Jolie’s acting is extremely suspect. There are moments in that shower where she whips her hair from side to side like a maniac. Rather than enjoying herself having a nice wash, she instead looks genuinely in pain.