If a kid these days were to see a cartoon from way back when, they might become supremely confused. What counted for children's entertainment then was wildly different from what counts for children's entertainment now. That does not mean that old TV shows were better than what we currently have; it simply means that what was old and what is new are not exactly the same. For me, a cartoon was a cartoon, and I watch cartoons avidly. Sometimes, I watch cartoons just to see how ridiculous they are and wonder how in the world I could have enjoyed them when I was a child. G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero takes the cake when it comes to ridiculous shows.
That's not to say that its episodes weren't fun to watch. They were usually action-filled. Colorful characters (extremely colorful) would perform cool tricks using nifty and never-seen-in-reality tools. But there were moments where, even as a child, my mouth would drop open in shock and puzzlement over what was included in the plots. And let me tell you, for an animated series in the 1980s, G.I. Joe had some pretty crazy moments for a show meant for kids.
Some of these moments went over my head when I was younger. (I wasn't specifically looking for gross moments; I just wanted to watch cartoon heroes battle cartoon villains.) Others were so blatantly inappropriate for someone my age that even I could tell that censors were not doing their job properly. (Not that I minded. Are you kidding? When you're a kid, you take delight in things that are considered "too adult" for you.) If you want to take a trip down memory lane, read on for some of G.I. Joe's more adult moments.
20 Losing More Than We Expected
It was a kitschy kind of episode, where some members of the Joes were turned into elderly people and others were turned into small children. It's exactly the kind of scheme Cobra usually enacts. You know, the supposedly evil, but ultimately harmless one. The Joes flounder momentarily before they're able to regain their normal form, but for some reason, Lady Jaye (who was in the group of Joes turned into kids) loses her pants while running around as a child. The shirt she is wearing is large enough to cover her as a kid, but when the Joes revert back to normal, everyone gets a good laugh at Lady Jaye who is struggling to cover herself with her normal-sized shirt. I don't know what's more inappropriate for an animated children's show: having a kid be pants-less for no particular reason or having a woman be pants-less for a pretty particular reason.
19 The (Almost) Fatal Spear
Decisions can be made that are regretted after the fact, but that did not stop the G.I. Joe movie from trying to change what they thought was a bad decision. Before the G.I. Joe movie came out, Transformers: The Movie had been released, and in it, fan-favorite Autobot Optimus Prime passed away. The backlash for the decision was immense.
Fans hated it, loathed it.
Upon witnessing this reaction, the creators of G.I. Joe: The Movie must have gulped back a big amount of trepidation. In their movie, they had decided to get rid of one of their fan-favorite characters, Duke, with a spear to the heart. They end up fixing this by saying that Duke fell into a coma. Funnily enough, they received backlash for not sticking to their guns.
18 Tension Within The Ranks
When a thief was sneaking around the Joes' headquarters and taking their personal belongings, we found out that the Joes were not as friendly as they seemed. One of the many bland characters in the Joes' group is Cross-Country. (Sorry, Cross-Country, but you're no Snake-Eyes.) Finding that some of his music was missing from his room, Cross-Country complained to the Joes, saying that he knows the other Joes like to pick on him, but taking his music was going too far. This leads to the hunt for the real thief, but what I think we should focus on is the revelation that the other Joes are bullies. How do they pick on him? It's kind of implied that they steal things from his room. Are these Joes really the kind of role models kids should imitate?
17 Getting Assitance
In one episode of G.I. Joe, a Gamesmaster decides to capture members of both the Joes and Cobra and forces them to work together. Being arch-enemies, it takes convincing to get Baroness to work with Flint. Unfortunately, despite being one of the noble Joes, Flint's methods of convincing are not exactly suitable for children. Since Gamesmaster took Baroness when she was at a spa, she is wearing nothing but a bikini. And when she hesitates to join forces with Flint, he jumps on top of her and pins her to the ground. Just looking at a still of this moment is disquieting, but watching it in action is something else entirely. And yet, no one thought it was a bad idea to include this in the episode.
16 Indigenous Savages
The manner in which past shows and movies dealt with other cultures is uncomfortable to observe. Strides have been made in the right direction, but even in the 1980s, some steps backwards were still being made. One such example happens in the G.I. Joe episode "Satellite Down," when the Joes and Cobra race down south to the South Pacific to recover a fallen satellite. They meet the indigenous people of these lands, and they look like they're right out of a stereotypical caricature. They're large, covered in hair, and quite ape-like. Oftentimes, when we worry about censoring shows for kids, violence or adult humor is what is targeted. But gross discrimination and/or racism should definitely be erased from our kids' shows.
15 Baby Got Back
Seriously, how did anyone okay this? Did anyone think that this was a good idea? Zarana, Zartan's brother, joined the ranks of the Joes' villains, accompanying Baroness as one of the show's female antagonists.
Unfortunately, Zarana gets the same treatment as Baroness.
It feels like at every turn, the show went out of its way to point out to viewers that they were gorgeous women. And they did this to Zarana in particular in a pretty unnecessary and obscene way. In one episode, she sneaks into a pyramid to steal something, and when she exits, she walks out of the pyramid backwards (for no reason). This gives us a view of her posterior and the infuriating anatomical crack that animators had drawn.
14 Funds For Evil
Nothing says evil quite like a telethon. Turns out, Cobra's funds for their schemes are not limitless. They, like the rest of the world, need to grub for their money to provide for their outrageous plans. In the episode titled "Cobrathon," they decide to hold a telethon in order to raise money. For those who don't know what that is, a telethon is an extended television program that is meant to raise money. This was ridiculous more than it was inappropriate, but "Cobrathon" showed Cobra using a real-life technique for raising money (typically for charities) in order to purchase a computer virus that would somehow infect all of the world's technology. Funnily enough, this is probably one of Cobra's best schemes yet.
13 Hand-To-Hand Time In My Quarters
The couples in G.I. Joe were one of the occasional facets of the show that they handled correctly. But that does not mean that there were no hidden innuendos sprinkled throughout the show. At one point, Lady Jaye disguises herself as the Baroness and infiltrates Cobra's base. Destro pulls her aside, but not because he recognizes her as a foe. Instead, he suggests seductively to Lady Jaye/Baroness that they should go to his bedroom and try out some hand-to-hand combat moves. We all knew that he wasn't talking about actual fighting practice. No one asks to practice hand-to-hand combat in that tone of voice. But, lucky for us, we never have to see this happen because one, it's a kids show, and two, Lady Jaye would not have gone undercover to that extent.
12 Saving Private Garments
I would hope that whoever manufactures underpants crafts them so that they cannot be ripped off at the slightest tug. The poor souls of Cobra, sadly, are not so lucky as to have that kind of resilience in their undergarments. In an episode of G.I. Joe, the Joes manage to sabotage the armor that Cobra uses thanks to the help of "triple agent" Dusty. When one of Cobra's soldiers tries to run away from the encroaching Joes, Lady Jaye tackles the poor guy to the ground and somehow manages to snag his boxers away from him. The poor lad is presumably left to run off unclothed, and his boxers (surprisingly intact for having been torn off) are left in Lady Jaye's hands.
11 In The Hands Of A Child
The episode where Shipwreck's so-called daughter aims a bazooka at him is an episode where the censors had to scramble to retract what had been televised. In one of Cobra's more effective plans (I am not being sarcastic this time), Shipwreck is trapped in this mind game where he has a synthoid wife and child.
Horrific images are shown to him, tormenting him.
One of the worst ones (and it is clearly one of the worst ones) is when his wife and child pull out weapons on him and try to blast him away to oblivion. You would think that the creators would have known there would be problems with the image of a little girl holding a bazooka, but alas, they did not think so far ahead.
10 Total Control
The worst weapon used against the Joes always seems to be mind control. Some form of mind control always appears to be Cobra's weapon of choice. At one point, Cobra Commander and Destro place headbands on Duke's head and on a giant's head, and this allows them to control their bodies with joysticks. What do they decide to do with this newfound power?
They decide to hold a fighting match between Duke and the giant.
With Cobra Commander controlling the giant and Destro controlling Duke, the two go at it as if they were playing Street Fighter. Cobra has never proven themselves to be anything beyond a joke, but seriously, couldn't they have at least tried to take over the world with this kind of technology instead of engaging in petty games?
9 Love Potion No. 9
The women of G.I. Joe have hit or miss moments. Sometimes, they actually seem like tough ladies who could totally kick butt. Other times, it's like they devolve into the stereotypical, chauvinistic idea of what a woman should be. Cobra invented a love spray that makes whoever you spray it on fall in love with you.
Baroness uses it to entice a billionaire.
(Honestly, I have no idea why she would need a love spray to entice a guy.) Lady Jaye comes along and tries to foil the plan by using the spray to get the billionaire to fall in love with her instead. Other women find out about this, and the episode turns into a hullabaloo of females trying to get this one rich man to notice them. It was inappropriate and embarrassing to watch.
8 The Fantastic Voyeur
In a previous entry on this list, I mentioned an episode where a Gamesmaster absconds away with some Joes and two Cobra members so that they could play a part in this weird game of his. (His name is Gamesmaster, get it?) Well, not only did the episode show the capture of Baroness while she was at a spa, it shows the capture of Lady Jaye while she's in a dressing room. I swear, the two women got taken away while they were both in moments of undress. The two guys were taken while they were fully clothed. How come the women don't get the same treatment? Anyways, the episode shows Lady Jaye wearing nothing above the waist except her bra, but that was apparently okay for a cartoon kids show.
7 Apple Butter
The episode titled "The Viper Is Coming" is infamous for the big joke reveal at the end. The Joes receive a call telling them that the "viper" is coming at five seventy-five. The Joes, thinking this is a Cobra-related thing, go on the hunt for Cobra using "five seventy-five" as their only clue. It ends up being the the "viper" was a "wiper" who was going to wipe their windows at an assigned time and who spoke in a thick accent. But the inappropriate moment occurred way before the end, when G.I. Joe Barbecue changed up a saying we had heard before. What Barbecue said was, "That guy wouldn't know a Cobra agent from apple butter." This is a fairly well-known saying. The only thing is that "a Cobra agent" replaced a four letter word for excrement. (When you hear it like that, the phrase actually makes sense.)
6 The Magic Conch Shell
Here is yet another episode where Cobra uses mind control against the Joes. Only this time, the mind control literally only works on the "Joes" and not the "Janes." Baroness has a conch shell (I keep hearing SpongeBob and Patrick's voices saying, "the magic conch shell") that allows her to control men's minds. It's supposed to be the same mystic item that the Sirens of old used to lure sailors to their demise. Look, I have no problem with mind control as a weapon that villains use, but could we perhaps refrain from making mind control discriminatory? Baroness ends up being stopped by the female Joes by the end of the episode. But you have to admire that while she had the conch, she also used it to propel herself to the top of Cobra too.
5 Madame No-Face
Sometimes moments are made inappropriate by how creepy they are. One such moment happened in the G.I. Joe episode with Madame Vail. (Or is it Madame Veil? I've seen it spelled both ways.) Her shtick as a villain is sucking away young women's youth and beauty away from them and transferring it to herself with a machine. Cobra, of course, wants to use this machine, but the Joes destroy it before Cobra can get their hands on it. When it is destroyed, Madame Vail's own face is horribly disfigured. Not in a scars or bleach kind of way, but in a your-features-have-been-sucked-off-your-face-with-a-vacuum kind of way. Despite the stupidity of Cobra wanting such a device in the first place, the process of transferring beauty was creepy. Kind of like the Machine in The Princess Bride.
4 The Case Of The Missing Pants
Everybody makes mistakes. Even animators can make mistakes. A mistake was definitely made in the G.I. Joe episode where Leila, a Cobra Trooper, undergoes a drastic costume change. Her clothes changes from one moment to the next. The skimpier of her outfits includes a blue leotard-like top with thigh-high leggings.
Her other outfit is made more modestly.
She is drawn wearing full, blue-colored pants instead of the revealing outfit she wore before. I have no idea why the change was made. It may have been a mistake, but it makes you wonder, which outfit was considered the mistake and which was considered the original? Who knows, maybe she actually has two sets of uniforms that are remarkably similar and yet are oh so different.
3 The Pond Lurker
One of the things most well-known about G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero was the fact that they had Public Service Announcements at the end of their episodes. These PSAs were meant to teach children valuable lessons about morality and safety. However, one of them ends up feeling a bit off.
Two kids are playing in a pond when a thunder storm starts.
One of the kids wants to stay and play in the water, and that's when Deep Six emerges from underneath the surface of the pond and ushers the kids to the safety of the shore just as lightning electrifies the pond. It's nice and all that he warned them of the dangers of swimming during a storm, but what was he doing under there? How long had he been there spying on the boys?
2 Bound And Held Captive
Damsels in distress is not what you want to encounter when you are watching tough female characters being awesome in a cartoon, but to be fair to G.I. Joe, the dudes were captured nearly as often as the ladies. However, when Destro captures Scarlett, he makes the whole process extremely uncomfortable. (Not that capturing people and holding them hostage is supposed to be comfortable, but still.) He threatens her with a fate worse than perishing, and you get the feeling he meant more than just harsh interrogation. You don't really blame Scarlett when she eventually gets free and attacks him back with triple times the force than is really necessary. Seriously, Destro was giving off assault-y vibes.
1 Wig And All
The episodes for the series arc "The Pyramid of Darkness" were considered inappropriate for children because it included Snake-Eyes disguising himself as a woman. I have absolutely no problem with this cross-dressing. First of all, Snake-Eyes and Shipwreck had to disguise themselves in order to escape from Cobra's detection; it was clearly a necessity. And second of all, Snake-Eyes' choice in clothing was not uber revealing or inappropriate in that manner. What I do have a problem with is how inept he was at disguising himself. He still wears his mask underneath the women's clothing! How is that supposed to disguise him properly?! He's an adequate cross-dresser, but a lousy disguise artist.